my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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