I faked an abortion last night.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
