he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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