Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
