My nipple is on Facebook.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
