That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
