Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize