My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
