Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize