I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
