I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
