I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize