So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize