I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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