I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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