How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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