When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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