When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
