Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
