Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
