if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
