that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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