I'm eating all of the evidence.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
