i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
