how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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