So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
