So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize