if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
