Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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