Umm I'm too high to move.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
