Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
