I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
