my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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