I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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