what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
