I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
