i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
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