Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The best revenge is premature balding
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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