Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Im part way to drunk.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
