i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
