I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
