Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
