I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
