my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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