maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
