Duck Duck Cougar?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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