did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
