im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
