Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
