I wish I could teleport
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
