I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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