you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
