I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
