Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize