i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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