They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
