she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize