my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
