I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
